How Do You Express Fear of Commitment? Steps to Treat Fear of Commitment!

We have all fallen in love with a person who has a fear to commit or you, yourself have had the fear of commitment. The main personal thought that comes to mind for most everyone is “I must give myself to this person and I am not ready to give up my identity.”  Or many people have been so badly hurt from previous relationships that it is easier to stay away from commitment than it is to be traumatized or hurt again.

Many people believe that they must give up their own dreams, desires, values, beliefs, and characteristics that make them an individual.  In many cultures this is a common practice for a female to give up her dreams to please her husband.  It can be overwhelming and create an absence within a person to lose his or her identity. However, the lost of self-identity only happens if you, yourself allow it.  If a partner discourages you to have your own identity, this can indicate controlling and abusive tendencies. 

Past relationship experiences can create a wall or barrier that creates a self-protection shield up around many.  Many who have a fear of commitment believe that building an imaginary wall around them will prevent the emotional pain that will inevitably come their way if they commit to a relationship.

Signs that you fear commitment:

1. You do not want to date seriously- when you want to end things when the relationship moves past casual.
2. You do not think about the future of a relationship- When your partner may tell you “Why don’t you ever talk about what we may to for the upcoming holiday.”
3. You spend a lot of time questioning all the little quarks of the relationship even making mountains out of mole hills. Remember no one likes drama! Constantly asking and questioning if the person you are dating loves you or asking internal questions like: do I want it to work, can I handle it, are all good indicators that you will be pushing your partner away and fear commitment.
4. Fail to Plan- Inside you want to plan activities with the person you are dating, but you slowly find yourself making excuses of why you cannot plan by using work, family, cleaning and other activities to avoid making plans with a person.
5. You feel emotionally detached. It is exceedingly difficult for many to understand what this means.  The best description is when you are out with someone and there is no feeling at all.  A numbness takes over inside.  You attempt to feel something, and nothing is there.  This can happen when there are no sparks, but if it is a pattern, you are emotionally detaching from every person who may want a relationship with you.
6. Feeling trapped- this sign I experienced with myself. Being the person who was on the receiving end. A person who feels trapped will become uneasy, anxious, discouraged and begin to think of ways to sabotage the relationship.

Signs that your partner is not investing in commitment:

1. Well these are easy to number, look above and all the things that I mentioned about what a person, who fears to commit does, and if you see those red flags in your partner then you have identified the signs.

Overcoming the Fear of Commitment:

The first statement I am going to make will not be taken kindly, but it is the truth.  Not everyone is built to be in a monogamous relationship.  If only people could be honest about it would save a lot of heartache and trauma for others.  Look inside yourself either in self-reflection or through the help of a mental health professional, relationship specialist or clergy to see if you desire to be with one person.  First, you must accept who you are and be okay with not wanting to be monogamous relationship and stop looking at yourself as if there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a monogamous relationship. This leads to the first step to overcoming fear of commitment.

1. Honesty- be honest with your true self and others who may desire the opposite of what you want. If you want monogamy, then a partner who does not would suit you and a person who does not want monogamy needs to be straight forward with his or her partner and state their position about commitment.  This will end significant hurt, philophobia and future trauma for both individuals.  Do not set expectations for a relationship that you know your not able to fulfill.
2. Accept that you might need to talk to someone about why relationships have become a problem for you to maintain. A mental health professional, relationship specialist, relationship coach or clergy can assist.  Sometimes other people looking in from the outside can help you “unpack” things that you did not know were buried inside.  Fear could be created by trauma and other stressors.  Depression and or anxiety disorders are also possible.  Attachment disorders and other factors could also be contributing. My favorite saying is if we were meant to live life by ourselves, without others’ ideas, we would have been on a world all to ourselves.
3. Couple Counseling- a skilled relationship specialist can help you and your partner navigate with intimacy and commitment. Even though similar, they are not. 
4. Communicate- In any type of relationship, even when receiving assistance from a mental health professional, you must both know how to communicate properly. Misunderstanding occurs 90% of the time because of how a person communicates or verbalizes his or her feelings. For example, simply owning your feelings and using the words “I feel” instead of “you make me feel” de-escalates problems and will keep the tone of the discussion calm and provide clarity.  Using the word “you” will put your partner in a defense mode because it implies and accusatory tone.
5. Practice committing to one another by spending time together, going out of town together, hold hands in public, show affection amongst others, make plans two week in advance, talk about future holidays and what you may do during those holidays and look at possible residences together. Practice Makes Perfect! In order to master something, you must practice it.
6. Finally, look for a partner who respects your needs, including areas that he or she can compliment.

My ending advise is simple.  You cannot make yourself love somebody and you cannot make somebody else love and want to be with you.  Your gut feelings are usually correct.  If the relationship is uncomfortable and you don’t have deep feelings for the person, please do the right thing and talk to the person about how you feel and exit the relationship. 

I had a guy once tell me he wanted to be with me, loved me, and we decided to pursue a deeper relationship.  The next day he decided to ghost me and not respond to any of my messages.  He was reading them, per Facebook, but not responding.  It left me confused, scared, belittled, humiliated and completely vulnerable. There is no reason for a person to create hurt and confusion to another.  Convey your feelings and if feelings, or decisions to pursue a relationship changes, please be kind and tell the other individual.  The Why? Helps the other person know it may not be their fault and gives them confidence to move on and date other people.  I know I kept internally asking what I did wrong?  I also started questioning my abilities and self-worth.  Please do not do this to another for you would not want done to you.  Do not be a person who creates trauma to another’s life that may cause that person to not want to attempt to commit or love again.  Be honest, gentle and respectful when conveying feelings or breaking up with a person.

To Receive a one-on-one private, confidential, 30 minute No Cost Phone Consult with Loretta Welling Ph.D, Relationship Specialist, Please click this sentence. It will direct you to her webpage checkout section.  The checkout section will ask for phone number to be reached and or information to complete an initial screen.  It will not ask for credit card information.  If it does, please email Loretta Welling at lorettawellingbtc@gmail.com.